Yes, she’s alive, if anyone has been wondering. It seems that the past year of my life has been on a bullet train to nowhereland, but I am still here. Let me catch you up with the goings on. Looks like I haven’t posted anything since New Year’s. Wooooooow that was like over five months ago. We have a lot of catching up to do. Believe it or not, I have started several of these over the past few months, but I just couldn’t find the words. Writer’s block, I believe they call it, if I were a writer. I hope to be someday. I would get them all about half finished and start to reread them and think no one wants to read this drivel. So it is still in my handy dandy notebook.

2025. There is so much I can say, but I am happy to see it go away. As I sit here on New Year’s Eve again, alone again, I feel a need to review this year in writing, so when I look back someday, I’ll be able to point to where things started going wrong, or maybe even right. This year has come and gone in the blink of an eye but has also travelled on the back of a sloth. I don’t understand it either, but both seem correct to me.

I have been sitting on this one for a few days, for a few reasons. First, I was in shock. I couldn’t understand why someone would choose to kill Charlie Kirk of all people. Yes, he is a MAGA conservative, but there are a lot of them in the media. The different thing about Charlie Kirk that you didn’t get with the others was his focus on young people and his willingness to have a civil conversation. He could give a smirk of satisfaction when someone was being hateful and arrogant with their questions and he came back strong with scripture and verse, or quoting the constitution to put them in their place. I always liked Charlie Kirk. I would see him often on Fox News or on YouTube videos. I was always amazed at how someone that young could know so much about the Bible and government. Over this last week I have learned so much, about Charlie Kirk, the man, about hatred, and about Christians.

I think that probably every generation has those tragic days they remember. They know exactly where they were and what they were doing when they learned of some tragic event. Whether it was when JFK was killed, or Martin Luther King. Or maybe it was Pearl Harbor or the death of Elvis or John Lennon. We all have those moments. I had two. As of yesterday, I now have another. Yesterday, I was at work when I heard some employees talking about Charlie Kirk getting shot. At that time, it was not known that he had died. I didn’t learn that for sure until I turned on the news on my way home from getting a haircut. There are many polarizing political voices out there, who stir up so much hate and vitriol. Charlie Kirk was different. Yes, he had Conservative beliefs and values, but he believed in having conversations. He would listen to the other side and then reasonably counterargue his case. Many times, he left the other person speechless. He never raised his voice, or called people names, or talked down to people. He just wanted to have conversations with college students and persuade them to think differently.

When you get to be in your 50s and are still single, a lot of thoughts go through your head. What is wrong with me? I’m sure everyone thinks I am gay since I have never been married. Why can’t I find someone who would want a good woman like me? Am I too fat? Am I too short? Am I too weird? Have I been written off as a red flag because I have never been married? Are my standards too high? Most women my age have had multiple husbands; all I am asking for is one. I see people who are dirty, vulgar, who don’t take care of themselves, who are compulsive and abusive, and somehow, they always have a man. What am I missing? What is it about me that is a repellant to good available men?

Most days at work, I spend my breaks and lunch at my desk reading the news. I usually start with the Daily Mail and move on to Fox News. Most of the time their hard news stories are close to the same. Most opinions are the opposite. I know that you thought I only listened to one perspective. See, I do have an open mind. This morning, I read a story on Daily Mail about an American millionaire, big game trophy hunter, who was gored to death by a Cape buffalo in South Africa, while the man was trying to shoot it. Yes, my first thought was, “way to go, buffalo.” I know that was not the best love of my fellow man thing to think, but there it was. Also in this article was a photo of this man posing struggling to hold up a dead mountain lion that he had killed. He had the biggest smile on his face, and I just grew hot with anger. When I saw that picture, that fellow man meant very little to me. I was happy for him to pay for his sin. Before you want to have me committed, I am aware I have a problem. I know that God puts the lives of man above that of animals. My heart just breaks when an animal dies at the hands of man for no reason besides bragging rights and a head on the wall.

I made a list of five things I was going to accomplish this weekend, things I have been needing to do for a while that just keeps getting put on a back burner. I finished everything yesterday except for posting to my blog. For those of you who read it and may be wondering what has happened to me, I am okay. Life has been beating me up a little physically, mentally, and emotionally over the past few months, but I have faith and hope that it is just one of those lulls in life and things will look up soon. I have been there before and I’m sure if I live long enough, I will be there again. But hey, things are looking up in some areas. So let me catch you up, and hopefully I can start fresh on my next post and if I refer to something that is going on, you will know what I am talking about.

Many people have asked me how I am doing and how things are at work. This isn’t easy to talk about as you will see as this goes but let me just be as transparent and as open as I can be. I am not good. We are not good. Work is not good. It is to the point that we no longer say, “How are you?”, we say, “Are you ok?”

I don’t do much on Facebook anymore. I rarely find anything more than advertisements for food delivery plans and weight loss gimmicks, or politics. Occasionally I find something that amuses me or amazes me or makes me think. Today as I was scrolling, I heard the voice of Sir Anthony Hopkins, so I listened. Anthony Hopkins is one of my favorite celebrities. I’m sure we don’t agree on everything, but he loves cats and is a brilliant actor, and I have found several of these thought-provoking episodes he has posted. I really liked this one and thought I would share.

As I drive to work each morning, I say my morning prayer. One thing I often thank God for is letting me live in this area where I am surrounded by his beauty and good people. Me being me, I got to thinking, what makes people in some areas good and others not so much. Why is there always a ‘wrong side of the tracks’ or ‘the hood’ in most towns? I remember being lost in Memphis one night after picking someone up from the airport. I could tell I was in a sketchy part of town but figured I would be fine if I went to a gas station/mini mart that was well lit, to get directions. I walked in and there was a black man behind the counter. His eyes got very large when he saw me. When I got close enough to him, he said in a hushed voice, “You shouldn’t be here.”  To which I responded “please, tell me how to get out of here.” He told me how to get back to the interstate and watched until I got back into my car and left.

The world of psychology accepts that there are six basic human emotions: happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, surprise, and anger. Every emotion we have that is not one of these six either falls under one or is a combination of two or more. I’m not sure why, but lately I have been thinking a lot about regret, and it seems to come up a lot in what I listen to on podcasts and in conversations. It just seems that regret is on a lot of people’s minds these days. I was just trying to think of something to write about this week and I remembered a Facebook post of a friend that I read last night. It was about all the things we have and all that we find important in this world, in the grand scheme of things, are meaningless, for in the end, the only thing we take with us is our soul. Nothing on earth means anything to us after we leave the world of the living. So that made me think of regret again. Of course, I had to look up the word to make sure I had it correct, and the best definition I found was this: Regret – Sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair. It almost makes you cry to read the definition, huh? So where does regret fall in the realm of human emotions? Sadness I would say is a definite, possibly anger and/or fear or disgust may also fit in there somewhere.

This is the third psychology truth in an eventual series of ten. The first two have been previously posted.