Psychology Truths in Life: Part IV

I don’t do much on Facebook anymore. I rarely find anything more than advertisements for food delivery plans and weight loss gimmicks, or politics. Occasionally I find something that amuses me or amazes me or makes me think. Today as I was scrolling, I heard the voice of Sir Anthony Hopkins, so I listened. Anthony Hopkins is one of my favorite celebrities. I’m sure we don’t agree on everything, but he loves cats and is a brilliant actor, and I have found several of these thought-provoking episodes he has posted. I really liked this one and thought I would share.

There are ten powerful psychology truths in life.

1. Silence is more powerful than trying to prove a point.
2. When trust is broken, sorry means nothing
3. Control your actions, learn to react less
4. When you are honest, you lose people who don’t deserve you.
5. One beautiful heart is worth more than 1000 beautiful faces
6. Small circle, private life, clear mind, and happy heart
7. Never go back to someone who has already broken you
8. Stop overthinking, you can’t control everything. Just let it be.
9. If somebody is stupid enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let them go.
10. True friends are very rare, if you have one, you are very lucky.

Some of these I have been living by for a while, some I have known I should be living by, and some are new that I hope to put into practice.

When you are honest, you lose people who don’t deserve you.

Have you ever told someone a truth they didn’t want to hear, and they got very angry at you or worse, they stopped talking to you or being your friend? This type of situation always makes me think of Jack Nicholson’s line in A Few Good Men, “You Can’t Handle the Truth.” People don’t like to be told they are wrong. They don’t like to be humiliated, and they don’t like their pride to be injured. These are things that tend to happen when an unwanted truth is told. What we fail to realize when it happens to us, those who love us are not going to tell us a truth we don’t want to hear unless they think it is better for us to know it. Why hurt someone you love without a need to do so? Many times, your friends and family can see more from the outside than you can see from the inside. There are things that can be seen by sober ones on the outside that render those on the inside to be inebriated or disillusioned, like drugs, alcohol, love, lust, and other addictions or distractions. I have found that it is mostly in your best interest to listen to those who care enough to confront us. They may not know all the details that form their opinions, but they notice things that you may not.

I have had some hard truths told to me, and I didn’t always react as I should have. One time that I remember vividly was concerning my first real boyfriend. After spending a little time with him, my mom told me that she didn’t like the way he treated me. Honestly, I never saw that he treated me badly, until I learned that he cheated on me. After we split up, I learned all kinds of unsavory things about him; some of which occurred while we were together. I had gone for several weeks without speaking to my mom because of what she said to me about my boyfriend. He was my first love, and in my mind, he could do nothing wrong. It turned out that my mom was right to point some things out to me, but in my state of smittenness (apparently that isn’t a word) at the time, there was no way she would penetrate my mindset.

I do learn though. I can remember two such occasions when the same friend had to bring me down a few notches. One time I have mentioned before about not shutting up about politics. The other time I won’t mention, because well, I have my pride, and it is a little embarrassing. I could have easily stomped my feet and slammed some doors and never spoken to my friend again. Thankfully, I did what I usually do, I hid and licked my wounds and really thought about what she said and how things must look from the outside, and I realized it was I who was wrong. Fortunately, I have grown from the experiences. I have since learned a lot about listening to those on the outside of a relationship.

There are also times when you may not have all the facts, and your warning lights go off to enlighten a loved one on the wrong path. Let that friend make their case. They may know what they are doing, but there is no harm in letting them know you are concerned about the situation. If they are a true friend, they will appreciate that you care enough about them to speak up about a sensitive situation.

It is very difficult to tell a friend a hard truth; that they have been drinking too much, or that their significant other is cheating on them or is not who they think they are. Telling a loved one they seem off mentally and must seek some help, or they are no longer able to drive safely, and you are taking their keys, are rarely conversations that are well-received. I can’t imagine telling a loved one they will be institutionalized or put in a nursing home against their will, but these are very difficult situations that no loved one takes lightly but many must deal with. In most cases when such difficult occasions arise, the ones making the decisions to break such news to their loved ones have suffered and stressed for days or months just to make the decision. To have that loved one to hate them or disassociate with them in return only causes them more hurt and distress, although they know they have done what is best for their person. Unfortunately, we live in a me, me, me, society, and many if not most people only think of how things affect them and do not take into consideration how much the person on the other side of the situation is hurting as well.

It is a very selfish and loathsome person who cannot or will not try to see things from another perspective. Too many times, we let political or religious beliefs dictate the way we treat people. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have political or religious beliefs and values, but neither give us the right to say we are always right, therefore if you don’t agree you are wrong. Many times, there are more than two sides to any situation, and more than one right way to get from point A to point B. After I have circled this bush several times, my point is, if you are told a hard truth, take a moment to think about it. Consider who is telling you this truth and their relationship with you. Ask yourself, “Would this person want to hurt me?” If you decide this is someone who loves you and someone you trust to have your back, then you can feel safe in knowing they are only trying to keep you from hurting or embarrassing yourself, and it took courage and probably a lot of pain to speak up. They deserve your consideration.

Just recently I have had difficult conversations with a couple of close friends and family members about an unusual situation. I totally see their points about the situation, and I know they are mostly right, but they don’t know everything about the issue, and I can’t tell them everything, so we must agree to disagree on some things, and that is ok. I have taken their concerns into consideration. I have no ill will toward any of them because I know they have my best interest at heart. It actually makes me respect them more for having the courage to speak up, because I know that isn’t easy. I have been in their shoes before and have lost close friends because I spoke up. In retrospect, my life is better without most of those lost, but there are a couple I miss greatly.

Having said that, now that my friends and family have stated their concerns and they know I have listened and considered, it is their job to let me be the adult and make my decisions on how I will handle things. I know they won’t agree with me on some things, but it isn’t up to them. I say this because we have a tendency to push people to do things the way we want, which leads to anger and resentment. I had a very close friend once. I loved her very much. I knew she was in trouble and needed to get away from her situation. I lived far away from her and saw her on vacation. I had a long talk with her while we were together. I told her I would get her a plane ticket; she could live with me until she got on her feet, I would help her find a job, and she could start a new life. All she had to do was meet me at a certain place when I got ready to head to the airport. When I got ready to leave, she wasn’t there. She continued down her troubled path and I went on with my life. I had tried to make the offer irresistible, and still it was not chosen. It just goes to prove you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. You can’t help a person who refuses to help himself. This is something we must remember when telling someone a hard truth. They have the option to do with it what they will. If they choose to accept it differently than you expect they should, you have spoken your piece, and you should let them be. If you can’t accept their decision, you may have to go on with your own life and put your worry of them behind you.

There may come a time when you have a friend who is stepping outside of the bounds of what your moral standards can accept. Maybe they are driving under the influence, texting and driving, cheating on their spouse, stealing, committing fraud, manipulating people, hurting others or animals, not taking care of their children, etc. Whatever it may be that makes you question your friendship, it is appropriate to discuss it with them. Typically, they may say it is none of your business or you have no right to judge them, or any number of other defensive statements. If they choose not to consider your concerns, it is not only ok to walk away, but you will never be able to reconcile with your moral code if you do not. This person doesn’t deserve your friendship. They are toxic to your way of life, and you are better off without their influence. Excluding them from your close circle of friends doesn’t take away your love for them, and an apology and a change in behavior can go a long way to getting them back into your good graces, but it is not up to you to feel guilty for cutting them off, they made that decision. Notice I didn’t say to bad mouth them on social media or use some passive progressiveness toward them. Just let it go. Be the bigger person and walk away. Maybe someday they will come back, and you will know that your words and caring influenced them in a positive way.

Honesty is one of those things we all say we want from those we love, but sometimes when we get it, it is anything but wanted. It takes a true friend to tell you the hard truth they know is going to hurt you or anger you. Chances are that true friend is hurting greatly, just to be the one to break your heart. Be thankful your heart is broken by someone who can also hold you and comfort you, and not by a stranger who couldn’t care less about you. Be honest with people. Tell them the hard truths they need to know. You may end up saving them from a very bad mistake. They may not listen, or they may listen and consider your concern and continue on their path. Either way, you have shown you love and care for them by showing your concern for their well-being. For those who can’t handle the truth and who turn on you for telling them, let them go. If they are too selfish to consider your feelings and what it took for you to approach them concerning the issue, then let them go. They do not deserve your time or your effort, or your friendship.