Regrets

The world of psychology accepts that there are six basic human emotions: happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, surprise, and anger. Every emotion we have that is not one of these six either falls under one or is a combination of two or more. I’m not sure why, but lately I have been thinking a lot about regret, and it seems to come up a lot in what I listen to on podcasts and in conversations. It just seems that regret is on a lot of people’s minds these days. I was just trying to think of something to write about this week and I remembered a Facebook post of a friend that I read last night. It was about all the things we have and all that we find important in this world, in the grand scheme of things, are meaningless, for in the end, the only thing we take with us is our soul. Nothing on earth means anything to us after we leave the world of the living. So that made me think of regret again. Of course, I had to look up the word to make sure I had it correct, and the best definition I found was this: Regret – Sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair. It almost makes you cry to read the definition, huh? So where does regret fall in the realm of human emotions? Sadness I would say is a definite, possibly anger and/or fear or disgust may also fit in there somewhere.

I’ve heard many times that no one on their death bed ever wished they had spent more time at work or that they had made more money. Mostly what people wish is they had spent more quality time with those they loved and doing the things they loved. I can’t imagine anyone not having regrets. I guess it is human nature to wish things had turned out differently. If my life had turned out the way I had planned (well the last plan), I would be married with kids and grandkids, living in a nice house in the country, teaching history in a university. In that sentence alone there are five regrets. But I also realize that if things had not gone the way they did, my life could be drastically different and quite probably not as good as it is.

I wanted to be married with kids by 25. I told my mom I had decided not to go to college, just a week before I was supposed to leave, because I was scared of being away from home. Thankfully she made me go for at least one semester, but after that, I didn’t want to leave. It is important to note that the college was an hour away and to me that was far away from home. My original big plans were to be a band director and work near home, raise a family and just live a quiet peaceful life. At that point the furthest I had ever been from Northeast Arkansas was the space center in Huntsville, Alabama for vacation with my parents. I had never done anything more rebellious than taking a few of my dad’s cigarettes, taking a few sips of a wine cooler and kissing a boy behind the church house. I had only been around Southern white Christian people, not that that is a bad thing, but believe me, there are so many more people out there and they are just as interesting.

Sometimes when I get down on myself for not being where I want to be in life, I just have to think about where I could be if I had traveled down the road most travelled (See how cultured I am now, invoking Robert Frost). I could have probably stayed home and found a job in a factory or office somewhere and worked my way up over the years. I probably would have found a good ole country boy to take care of me and make some babies with. We may have had some farmland eventually and a home on a gravel road (out in the country) with some critters running round, and I would probably be happy with the life I knew. There is nothing wrong with that life. Other than the factory or office part, it is mostly what I was going for. Instead, I went to college that next week. I met lots of people from everywhere on my first day of band camp. I made some great friends and had a blast. I came out of my shell and realized home was only an hour away. I had ups and downs, got my heart broken a few times and broke a few hearts. At 25, when I was supposed to be married with kids, I was in Boston with the first true love of my life, going to graduate school studying history, in the capital of our country’s history. I was in the middle of the melting pot, surrounded by people from all over the world, making friends and learning new things constantly. I had roommates from Israel, San Salvador, Venezuela, and China. I was introduced to some wonderful food and learned about art, music, architecture, premium beer, and baseball. My two years in Boston prepared me for the three years I would spend in the Army a few years later.

In the Army I admit, I was in a very low place in my life, just because of things beyond my control, but I had experiences there I would never have otherwise. During the 18 months I spent in Washington D.C. I was in a different museum nearly every weekend. I would spend a whole day just looking at interesting things and learning stuff. I visited Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia Beach, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Monticello. Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson, is one of my favorite places I have ever been. Just to know the man himself had walked those grounds and resided in those rooms made me awestruck. Jefferson has always been my history crush. I like complicated characters, and he was definitely that. While in D.C., 9/11 happened, and I was there during the D.C. Sniper ordeal and hurricane Isabel. So, I feel I got to witness history in the making.

I also spent nearly a year in Korea. I officially stepped into North Korea, which was very surreal and was within inches of a North Korean soldier. I spent the day with former President George H.W. Bush, as his photographer. He was a very kind man. I was on the White House press corps when President George W. Bush visited Korea and spent the day with CNN’s John King and his production crew that day. I rode in a Blackhawk and a Chinook helicopter. I learned to eat proficiently with chopsticks, and I now prefer them. I met many amazing people, ate some amazing food, saw some beautiful sites, and learned to speak a few words in Korean.

I don’t tell you all of this to brag. My point is that if I had gotten married and had kids and skipped college, I would never have had any of these experiences. I would still be that meek scared little girl, dependent on a husband to take care of the ‘manly’ things. I probably would never have left the country, or maybe even the South. We would never go on girl vacations, because no one would be able to drive in a city. (That’s a dig at my sister 😊) If you can drive on the D.C. Beltway, you can drive anywhere. I can change a tire, a doorknob, and an air filter. I can mow a yard, plant a garden, operate a chain saw and any other common power tool. I am an independent woman, I don’t need a man, I want a man.

So, do I have regrets in my life? Absolutely. I do very much regret not having a family of my own. As I get older, I fear loneliness that is probably my fate. The picture I get is of an old lady in a Veteran’s home smiling as children sing Christmas carols and crying as she sits in her room alone for hours every night with no one to talk to and nothing to do. That is my regret. I regret not being patient with my cat when she was vomiting, scratching, and going to the bathroom where she shouldn’t. She was not well most of her life and I didn’t have the patience she needed in her person. I regret some of the relationships I have had that I spent so much time and effort on, and the ones I should have but didn’t. I regret I didn’t take better care of myself when I was younger. I regret not having more quality conversations with my grandparents. I regret losing touch with some close friends from college. I regret not sticking with violin lessons. There are many private regrets I’m not going to share. You just thought I shared everything. I have some doozies. Aren’t you just a little bit curious now? 😊

The thing is, hindsight is 20/20, as they say. We can always say coulda, woulda, shoulda, but that doesn’t change anything. I believe in the Heavenly Father, and I believe he has a plan for each of us. We have the power to alter that plan, but we are still going to fulfill the role we were meant to fulfill. We have the free will to choose the path we take to get there. We can learn some hard lessons from our own mistakes that come with lifelong regrets, or we can learn from the mistakes of others. We can take risks that the road less travelled is the one that leads to greener pastures. Or, we can take the road we have watched others take, knowing it is safe. I’m convinced, it doesn’t matter how well we live our lives, how wonderful our relationships are, or how wise we are, we all will come to the end of our lives with regrets, and that is ok, that is human.

So maybe we learn to forgive ourselves for those things we now know the answers to, but once really fumbled. Self-forgiveness is hard, I know, I’ve been trying for a long time on some things. I have a friend who once told me she would never be able to forgive herself for something she had done, that it was just unforgivable. I asked her if I had done the exact same thing, could she forgive me. She said of course she could. I asked her then didn’t she think she was as worthy of forgiveness as I am? I believe if you could forgive a friend for an offense, then that offense is forgivable, and you owe it to yourself to forgive it. Obviously if you regret it, you are remorseful. Love yourself, realize regrets are things we can do absolutely nothing about except remember with pain and sorrow. Try to forgive yourself, learn the lesson, and enjoy your life. We have too much to be concerned about in the present to worry about the past.

Tell your family you love them. Call up an old friend. Take a friend with you to work on that bucket list. If you can take some of these suggestions to heart, maybe when you are lying on your deathbed, you can be content that you had a good life and you left nothing important unsaid or undone. And yes, I am going to work on this too. I have much catching up to do.