Psychology Truths in Life: Part I

I thought I would try something different. I don’t get on Facebook often, and when I do, I don’t see much besides weight loss systems and food delivery advertisements, but a few days ago an item got my attention. First, it was narrated by Sir Anthony Hopkins, who is one of my favorite actors. It had some beautiful scenery, and the message was very true and thought provoking. Each point of the message has affected me at some point in my life, or I have seen others who are close to me affected by them. I started writing one post with all of it and it became huge, so I decided to hit one truth at a time. They will be shorter than usual, but probably some of you will welcome that. Here’s the subject:

There are ten powerful psychology truths in life.

1. Silence is more powerful than trying to prove a point.
2. When trust is broken, sorry means nothing
3. Control your actions, learn to react less
4. When you are honest, you lose people who don’t deserve you.
5. One beautiful heart is worth more than 1000 beautiful faces
6. Small circle, private life, clear mind, and happy heart
7. Never go back to someone who has already broken you
8. Stop overthinking, you can’t control everything. Just let it be.
9. If somebody is stupid enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let them go.
10. True friends are very rare, if you have one, you are very lucky.

Some of these I have been living by for a while, some I have known I should be living by, and some are new that I hope to put into practice.

Silence is more powerful than trying to prove a point

If one chooses not to stay silent when others do not agree, the most usual result is an argument. It has been my experience that no one wins an argument unless one side can prove they are right. Usually, the argument ends in one of three ways: a physical altercation, a yelling match with anger, or someone decides it is no longer worth it and walks away as the ‘loser’.

I used to be a champion arguer. I didn’t give up. I was often told I would argue with a fencepost. Not sure why a fencepost, when probably any inanimate object would make the same point and I was rarely around a fencepost, but nevertheless, it was always a fencepost for some reason.

I’m not sure what I argued about as a child, probably any and everything. I just know I drove my mom and others around me crazy. I got into more trouble for not shutting up than for anything else growing up. Otherwise, I was a pretty good kid. Apparently, this annoyance laid the groundwork for finding politics about the time I started College. The 1992 election between Bush the Elder and Clinton was in full force my second year as a music student. I was in the marching band at the time and after band all the dorm dwellers would go to the cafeteria to eat together at our long band table. This was my time to shine and argue with all the Clintonites, and there were a lot of them. At lunch time we all ate at our table, but we drifted in and out as our schedules allowed. It eventually got to the point that when I would come in, several would leave. I just assumed they had a class to get to and didn’t give it a second thought. One day I was with my friend walking down the hall and I brought up politics. She stopped me and there in the middle of the hall she told me to stoppit. She said that she was tired of hearing it, everyone was. Didn’t I notice that everyone left when I came to eat? That was because all I did was argue politics. That was jarring. It was a wake-up call I needed. I had had blinders on and hadn’t seen what was going on around me. I only saw those who would engage, and I had no use for those who would not. That day is also when I realized what a true friend is. They are the ones who have the courage to tell you when you are being an ass when everyone else just avoids you. They are the ones who realize you have no idea that you are screwing up, and someone needs to let you know.

I could have been like many others and gotten angry and told her where to go, but I didn’t. Of course I was upset. Mostly I was angry at myself. After days of reflection, I knew I had a lot of making up to do. I needed to change my ways and not be so off-putting to those around me. I decided to not bring up politics around my friends and would only engage if someone else started it. Amazing how much better things were after that. People weren’t leaving me; they were actually including me. Giving up my need to prove a point put me back into the good graces of my friends. This didn’t stop my political arguing altogether, I still had family and friends outside of college. It was a start. At least I knew how to do it and eventually I got there. Sunday evening, I sat at the dinner table with some family members, and everyone was talking politics, some I agreed with, some I didn’t, I didn’t say a word. That’s progress.

A few years ago, we had a training at work and one of the exercises was to figure out what type of personality we have at work. It turned out that I am an observer. One of the traits of this is to sit back in a meeting and take everything in and after everyone has had their say I give my opinion, usually when asked, but as the arguing and brainstorming is going on, I just soak up all that is happening around me.

I am going to chalk this one up to wisdom and learning from mistakes. I learned years ago that it is much better to learn from the mistakes of others than to have to learn all the lessons on my own. It is much less painful and embarrassing that way. I am a very impatient person. At this moment, I have checked my phone about fifty times to see if a message I sent has been read that I sent three hours ago. I have no patience, but I am good at faking it. I have learned to improvise in many situations. I can be excited, intelligent, calm, ignorant, patient, brave, pain free, etc. because that is what I need to be at the moment. I may be scared to death, or I may be in so much pain I can barely move, but I’m like a cat, if I can keep from showing it, I will if I need to.

I believe that being silent and not having to prove a point has come to me in the same way, out of necessity. In the military there were many times I was told to do something a certain way. Although I could think of ten easier and more efficient ways to do it, I had to keep my mouth shut and do it as I was told. I learned by watching others that you don’t backtalk military cadre or you will suffer much more than if you had just done as you were told, so I just kept my mouth shut and did as I was told. I also learned by experience and by watching others that getting an answer wrong or offering a bad solution to a problem can get one publicly ridiculed or bullied. By being an observer, one can read the room, see how others are being treated, see if anyone mentions your idea and how it is received, and if you are likely to be heard if you do speak up.

My final point and the one I believe this truth is referring to, being silent and not having to prove one’s point shows one’s confidence, character, and that the conflict is not worthy of their time. In other words, it is taking the high road. That is how I want to be seen. I want to be known as someone with confidence and character and someone who doesn’t quibble over nonsense as I have more important things in my life to devote my time. By being silent, somehow that is often proving the point, the point being, this is not important and I’m not wasting my precious time on it.