Overthoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and why we do the things we do. For the past few years, I have been more focused on things that are important to me and not so concerned about what is going on around me. Maybe it is just a part of getting older. Maybe it is part of being lonely or independent. Maybe it is just being selfish. I don’t know, and really at this point, I don’t really care. All I do know is I think about it a lot; life, that is, and how mine is passing by so quickly and I have so much to do. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if I do any of it? Does anyone really care, or will they even notice? In 100 years, will my existence even be known to anyone? I have no children so I will be no one’s direct ancestor. I have produced nothing for future generations to study or use. There is no reason for future generations to be curious about me or even know of my existence. That makes me just a blip in time, here today, gone tomorrow existence. So why do I try so hard to impress? Who do I need to impress? (See, I told you I have been doing a lot of thinking.) The only one I would like to hide from is God, and unfortunately, he knows all my quirks already and escaping him is an exercise in futility. I have finally come to terms with this fact, so I stopped hiding and started praying more, which is really all one in my shoes can do.

I may offend a few people in the next few statements, so if you are a God-fearing person or an atheist, this is your trigger warning, because I will probably offend you all. I have always been a God-fearing Christian. I was raised in a pretty strict Christian family. Members of both sides of my extended family and most people I know are Christians as well. I do believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Though I am about as weak and sinful as they come, I struggle daily to be the best Christian I can be. I recently was talking to my mom about how frustrated I was about a situation in my life. I told her I could not be angry with the person who hurt me, but was angry with God. Her response was, “Oh Robbie, don’t say that.” I have thought and thought about it since I have had that discussion with her, and I am still very angry with God. I have discussed it with Him as well. Oh, I still speak to Him every day. I still thank Him for my blessings, and ask Him for his help, beg for His forgiveness and strength, and beg Him for that thing I have all my adult life. I still love Him and need Him and want very much to please Him, but I just don’t understand the torture I continue to endure emotionally when He has shown me there is a solution but then never lets me close to it. I am reminded often of Paul asking God to remove the thorn from his flesh. Many have wondered what the thorn was. I do not. I believe there is a reason we don’t know. We all have our private thorns. God didn’t remove Paul’s thorn but said His grace was enough, but Paul was much stronger than me. I’m not asking for mine to be removed. I’m asking for help dealing with it. Removal would be great. As far as being angry with God, I truly do not think He has a problem with me being angry with Him. He knows I am weak and I don’t understand. He knows I hurt and He allowed this to happen although I begged Him not to. I am human. He created me with emotions that I am unable to control. He brought me to it; He will bring me through it. Now I pray the answer is not “No”, but instead, “not yet”.

I’m tired. I’m worn out trying to make friends, trying to make sure my future is secure, trying to find a companion to grow old with. I am tired of being alone, but meeting new people makes me so anxious. I know some of you may think this is nuts, but I have been talking to people and meeting new people over the internet since the nineties. For an introvert, this is a great way to get to know someone, or it was at one time. You could talk back and forth without worrying about looking into someone’s eyes and just have a very open and honest conversation. The first few people I actually met, was before you could exchange photos online. We exchanged them through snail mail. I have had a couple of nice relationships with men I have met this way. I spent many hours in chat groups or exchanging emails with people I met in pen pal personals. Although this is a great way to pass the time and get to know people, if you want to have a relationship with someone, you must eventually make the leap and finally meet. I have done it several times. I have even flown to New Jersey to meet someone (yes, I was young and stupid once. Thankfully he was actually a good and safe man). I am just exhausted now. I’m so tired of spending weeks or months getting to know someone and really liking them only to be let down. Or being too anxious about going through it all again that I don’t even give them a chance, which is where I think I am now. Dating as a vibrant young woman sucked. Just finding a male companion as a mature adult is near impossible. Are we all just set in our ways and uncompromising, or just too picky now about what we will accept? I thought my standards had relaxed a lot. I mean I went from needing a tall, well-built man with dark hair, a good job, and adventurous, with no baggage or vices, to a Christian man who breathes and walks on his own. I thought that would open up a much larger pool, but I haven’t seen evidence of that. I know many people who have met their spouses through internet dating, and they seem very happy. I know there are good people out there. I have been out there and I think I am good people. Unfortunately, there are also many, many, bad people just taking advantage, or only out for one thing, either sex or money, sometimes both. Neither are things I am offering.

Aren’t you glad you chose to read this rambling venting blog post? I needed to write something to post on my new page. I have named my sight Overthoughts, because that is mostly what I end up writing, things I overthink or over analyze. There is a famous quote that Overthinking is the art of creating problems that weren’t even there. I do this often. I make messes in my head because I over analyze everything. I have a way of taking something that someone says that has no meaning and making it into some huge philosophical speech for the ages. Sometimes things just mean what the words actually say and nothing more or nothing less.

I am a bit depressed. I’m working on it. I’ll come out of it soon I hope and maybe I’ll be witty and fun to be around again. Maybe the thoughts going through my head won’t be so sad or torturous. For my readers who have been faithful through my previous blog, welcome to the new one. I hope it will be as entertaining as the last. Sometimes I have things to talk about, sometimes I don’t. But when I do, you can find my rants here. Thanks for reading.